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| ..............I failed. I killed my relationship. I turned the kindest, most understanding, romantic, and sweetest person in the world to a loathesome, depressed, hateful person that will never be able to trust a single person again. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm broken. How could I ever have hurt this man? How am I ever going to live with myself? I don't deserve anyone's love or kind words or comforting. I'm the root to the whole problem. I'm the cause of the mess. If I can't fix my own problems and I only cause them by doing the opposite of what I preach, then how can i ever be a successful therapist?? My life no longer makes any sense. I feel as though I have turned myself into the woman that will lose herself in a job that she hates and never makes time for friends, family, or relationships. I don't deserve happiness for all the pain I have caused and all the sins I have made in the past 7 months. I don't even think God will be able to forgive me - if He even exists. If going to see someone about my problems is running away then how do I face my problems?? How do I learn to cope or forgive?? But, i guess i deserve to have my past haunt me. I will never again get to hear or be told his kind words or that I would be a catch and he would be lucky to have me....never again will I be told that he loves me....never again will I be told that I make him whole and complete his life. I have lost | | |
| Things are such a mess. I wish there was a way to go back and correct my mistakes but there is no such thing. I have made life miserable not only for myself but for someone that I care so much about. I thought I would be able to work on things and show that I do care and do love him but it hasn't been working. When trust has been broken, it doesn't matter what you do when they aren't around because they won't ever believe you. Little things will make them ask questions and second guess things. I have no idea what to do or think anymore. All I want to do is sit and stare off into space. I don't want to eat or drink anything. I don't want to talk to anyone unless it's him. I never know what to say or not say to him. I'm afraid anything I say will make him upset or frustrated. I hate knowing that I'm the cause of all of the problems. I have so much hatred towards myself that it makes me sick. I only want to make him happy. I hate seeing him look sad, or sound sad. I hate that he wants to die most of the time or just give up on everything. I should never have made the choices I made. I will forever regret them and wish to change things. Happiness is all I want for him, even if it's without me in his life. I can't even cry like I used to. I may cry for a minute or just tear up but I'm so lost and cold inside that everything is frozen up. I feel shut down and at a loss for words or feelings. I love being around him and things being happy. I love just being held by him and talking and laughing about a show. I love when we can forget about our problems for just a little while. Going back through our old text messages it makes me heartbroken. Everything that was said, I will never be told again; He will never feel again. I want to hit something just to make myself feel more pain for what I have done to ruin everything that would have been perfect. What also sux is that I can never read his thoughts. If i'm being yelled at and practically broken up with, I am to drive to see him in person to talk....if he has his baby for the first time in a while, I am supposed to be there to get him thru the different changes. I can't read his mind! I can't know what I'm supposed to do to make things better. Sometimes i NEED to be told! If anything, something should have been said or I should be asked to come back after work bc he wants me there or needs me to be there. Its hard to know that when I've been yelled at all day. To me, I was being told to stay home and never come back bc he dispises me. How i wish i could read minds............all i ever do is hurt people I care about. All i do is lose people that mean the world to me. Why can't i make anyone happy?? Why can't I make better choices?? I feel like I've totally fallen from grace and I'm lost. I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like I've lost all my faith :*( I try to get a great job and can't find anything...I try to go every day so I can make what little money I can to help out. I can't just call in one day bc that's money lost. I know i don't make much but it's better than nothing. I wish I could always be around when needed but I can't. I'm never gonna win. I'm never gonna see happiness again. I don't know what to do anymore....what can i do??? What should I do?? How can I make this work?? | | |
| Mike finally got a new job and we are gonna be able to get out of Emporia. His new boss is a complete bitch and has been ruining our life. So he had some interviews with the corporate Sprint in Olathe and was offered the job on Monday. I can't wait to get out of this hell hole. People here are completely stupid and there is absolutely nothing to do around here. We've been going back and forth to Topeka a lot to see the baby and we went from only seeing him for a couple hours on Saturdays to his parents getting him Friday nights and her not picking him back up until Sunday nights. She's been trying to get me to meet her somewhere so she can "build a relationship" but I'm really not willing to consider taking to her until we have a lawyer and some rights when it comes to Gavin. Just when we thought things were going well with her and being able to see him more often, she went around and talked to SRS and is trying to get us to pay child support. Mike isn't even on the birth certificate yet so things are still really crazy. I guess the other day when she went to pick him up she asked Mike's mom what he was gonna be doing about Gavin....WTF does that mean?!?! I can't stand her and I'm really sick of her games and trying to manipulate everyone. Poor Michael has the situation full on and he's not doing so well with the stress of it all. I wish I could help but until we get money to get a lawyer, prove paternity, get on the birth certificate, and get get some things straightend out, I can't really do much. Other then all the baby mamma drama, things have been going alright. I did kinda fuck things up a while back and I've been trying to prove that I'm still worth being with and that i have learned my lesson. It's been hell since then but i think things are starting to get better and pick up where they should have been always. Dad is letting us move in with him for a while and I have a feeling it's gonna be a little crazy for a couple weeks. I'm gonna have to do some major cleaning and rearranging of things in the basement and I'm still looking for a job. I'm hoping i can get one of the jobs I put in for with the county working with intellectually disabled people during the week. I would be great pay and I know I'm qualified to do the work. I think once things get goin with the jobs, we will be able to get our own place and get out of dad's. Mike is still gonna be looking for a different job bc I don't think he wants to be in Olathe. I love it there and i would much rather be there for work and to raise a family. Bowling has been going pretty well. Our team is doing the best but with the family drama with mike's brother, we lost a player. I had my cousin Beav playing with us but then his work schedule was changed again and he can't bowl anymore. So now we have another one of my cousin's playing with us. Mike's siblings are coming in town this weekend and he's pretty excited about it. i'm not really sure how we are gonna be able to do the traveling to spend time with them since he will be starting his new job in olathe next monday. I'm really looking forward to getting to meet his nieces and nephew and his sister. It'll be fun to hang out with some new little kids. I'm super excited about Halloween, too. I'm not really sure what i'm gonna dress up as yet but I know I'm gonna be going out with the little cousins again. I've already promised them that i would be there and go out with them to get candy. I love spending time with them and i wish i could see them more often. Maybe if Mike or i get a job in Topeka, then i would be able to help watch them and pick them up after school or something. Hopefully the future will bring a better perspective of life and what we will be able to do with money coming in. Here's to better days and a brighter future! | | |
| Well, Josh didn't end up working out, which I should have guessed. He ended up cheating on me and then dumping me because "I'm too good for him." So, after all of that drama I started to look for someone online using match and eharmony. I went on a few dates and talked to a few people but nothing really ever clicked. Case was the closest thing to it all but he didn't ever tell his family about me and started going out of state all the time. Then, out of the blue, Tyler starts texting me again and askes if I'm with anyone and tells me about how he was dumped by the crazy lady he met from his job. I knew it would happen and I knew it was because she was just using him. So things started to get a little bit better but my emotions were starting to move towards Michael. Now, Mike I've known for about 4 years and actually went on a couple dates with him before Tyler. When we first met, I was still in my party stages and it was bad timing. Well, now I'm ready to settle down and everything and we're actually going out now. He's amazing! He's my "Edward" if you will. He treats me like a queen, opens my doors, carries things for me, hates when I put myself down, is always telling me how amazing I am, never lets me spend my own money, etc...I couldn't ask for anything better! He also has a 3 month old son that I'm absolutely in love with! He's the cutest thing ever and I hope we can get custody of him. He's just in a bad place right now bc of baby mama. Also, we move to Emporia next week!! He was transferred down for work and we're hoping we won't be there any longer then a yr and we can get moved up to Olathe. Either way, I'm excited to be getting out of the house and starting a life with Michael. I love him SO much! ANd I know he loves me....you should hear how sad he gets when I'm away. | | |
| Well since everything with Tyler happened just at Easter time, I felt that it was a great time to start new. Easter is about the rising of Jesus after being crucified and it was a great "metaphor" for me to also rise from the dead. I still have a few hard times realizing that I lost a best friend in the worst way possible but I've been getting by rather well. I was asked out on a date with a guy but that didn't end up going well. I didn't really think we meshed well - even as friends. I decided to just stick with Joshua. He and I have been talking everyday now and he finally came home from being in Texas for a year or so. He even started talking to me about getting a place together, where we can live, about jobs, and even about getting "hitched" (as he likes to call it). He's always been there for me and he's always been waiting in the shadows to get me back. He's really been trying to talk to me more and tell me things which is all I ever want. His family is pretty excited to have him back home and they're glad that he decided to be with me again. They weren't too happy with him when he broke up with me 3 yrs ago over something stupid. He never did date anyone after me and he realized that I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I know my parents would rather me be with someone that has a college degree or at least a career but those are hard to come by for me. Plus, if you can make enough money to support a family in a line of work that doesn't require a college degree then it really shouldn't matter. For me, all that matters is that he's doing what he loves to do and he can help pay the bills and support me any way he possibly can. Josh is doing that. He's been looking into starting his own business, getting a boat, and getting a truck that would benefit as a personal and business vehicle. I'm just proud of him for already starting to do everything he said he would especially since he's only been home for less then a week. In other news, Tuesday I was woken up by the worst pain you could ever imagine. at 6am, the middle of my back started to throb to the point where laying day, sitting up, and breathing were difficult and painful. I ended up throwing up bc of the pain after screaming for my dad, had to force myself to crawl to get my cell phone to call him. Once I did and I told him what happened and that i was still in a lot of pain, he called my sister and was told to take me to the ER bc I may have kindney or gall stones. So, I ended up in the ER where they put in an IV, did blood tests, and did an ultra sound on my stomach. After getting the results, the dr decided to have me admitted into the hospital bc I did in fact have gall stones and my gallbladder would need to be removed the next day instead of waiting and letting everything get worse. So I was placed on an all liquid diet for the rest of the day, given some awesome pain meds, and given antibiotics. Wednesday afternoon I went into the OR and had my gallbladder removed. I had already passed all the stones and everything went great. Surgery started around 3:15 and I was awake in recovery by 4:50 and back in my room by 5:30. I was talking, in a great mood, and walking laps by 7pm that day. I even got to eat some solids by 9:30 that night and didn't have any problems keeping it down. I did have some crazy looking bruises and have been really sore but the meds have been helping a lot. I got to go home but 1:30pm on Thursday and I get to stay home for a whole week from work to heal. I can't drive myself anywhere either bc i'm on narcotics which make me REALLY sleepy. Saturday I spent time with all the kids and had Mother's Day with Patti. She loved her gifts and Sissy loved her bracelet I got her. We went out for Chupalas and it was pretty good. Sunday I took Mom to church with me and she got a nice ceramic calendar gift from the church. I helped her some with putting things on the walls. She loved her gift from me and I got a gift from Evelyn bc of being in surgery. We also ran some errands and got some cool stuff for her apartment. I'm hoping this week goes slowly bc it's gonna be gorgeous outside and I'd like to enjoy it. I'm gonna get my bookcase from borders, too and get mom paid back for it. I'll have lots of free time to catch up on movies, tv shows, and do paperwork. Hope everyone has a great week! | | |
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