"I Am Irrevicably In Love With Him"

So I've been watchin the Ghostbuster movies and realized that they came out before i was even born....yet they were my absolute favorite when I was little. I even wanted my brother to be name Oscar hahaha....but I really love 80s movies and all the cool stuff from the 80s. And Bill Murray is always a funny character. And well, Dan Achroid is just a big nerd lol.

Now that I'm done with my movie rant...haha...Life has been a little better. Tyler decided he didn't want to throw away everything he tried so hard to get back. So he's actually making the effort to fix our relationship. I can actually stand to be around him again. It still sux tho that I had to give him a deadline to get his act together. I just hope if he does keep up being good that he doesn't ruin it all again after school starts. I mean, i really love being with him but sometimes he drives me crazy. And I really can't stand to see him being with someone else. That's the one thing that really bothers me. That and the fact that I don't wanna lose his family bc they are really amazing to me and its nice having another family like me and accept me. Tho on the other side, sometimes I think being single would be so much better right now. Just so that I can work on ME and be able to finish school and have nothing else to worry about. I'd really like to get on deans honor roll again my last semester at Washburn and do well on presenting my research.

But not everything is working out for me. I'm still jobless. I really don't get it....I can only get a part time job tho with school starting. I'll be in Topeka tues thru thurs and possibly the weekends since I have a weekend workshop in Sept. Any ideas for a part time job that would be fun and pay more than 7 dollars an hour????

Tonight has been terrible. I even made my daddy cry. I just feel like shit. I feel like I'm a failure to my parents. My self esteem is so low that I'm too afraid to even get a job. And gettin a job is all everyone wants from me. I just feel like I'm not enough for anything. My family thinks the same of me. I'm just a hassel and an overall problem. My dad is so stressed with work and how his business is goin under and I have to make things even worse for him. He says that he'll sneak downstairs just to make sure I'm still ok (aka...breathing and alive). He has a hard time deciding whether to even tell me things or not bc he thinks it'll push me over the edge and I'll committ suicide. He knows I think about it...but I'd never have the courage to do it bc I don't want to go to Hell and I can't do that to my family. And I don't have a job to help out around the house. I'm the oldest and I'm suppose to be the role model...and I'm actually holding everyone back and I'm the problem child. I really hate being so depressed but I don't know how to make myself suck it up.

To top all that off, my relationship with Tyler is at it's all time low. He still forgets about me, or as he says, "just doesn't want to talk to me." What kind of person doesn't want to talk to their gf and so called best friend?? And he never tells me anything anymore and he knows it. Also, he says he's gonna do something, like go back to school, or get a different job, or whatever, and then doesn't do it. Its hard to even trust or believe anything he says. Then when I say "I'll believe it when I see it," he says, "thanks for believing in me." But I mean, what am I supposed to think?? As of right now, I just feel like he'd rather be single. He even told me he has the mentality of a single person by only thinking of himself. He doesn't ask me to anything with him...and it's like he forgets that he also has me to think about in daily decisions. And he can't even handle work stress. He'd come home and be too tired to do anything. If he can't handle work and comin home to me, then how is he going to handle a family?? And everyone tells me that I can do better, which I'm sure I could...but I really don't believe that I CAN do any better. Look at all the people I've dated....I'm just not good enough to be with someone any better. At least being with someone less than me helps me to be more responsible. (i know that's a terrible way to look at it, but i can't help it.) I really just don't know what to do with myself right now. I'd rather just pack up and live on the streets and be out of everyone's way. Tho, that would only make things worse.

Wow...it's been since March when i last wrote!

Well some the semester finished and I finally got thru it....I even made the Dean's Honor Roll for the first time ever! I also lost about 10 pounds which is awesome..lots more to go tho lol
Matt got all graduated and I'm so proud of him! Somehow even my step brother graduated lol
Tyler got laid off but he's lookin for a new job...i still don't have a job...it's gettin really stressful. Dad's having a lot of problems with work and it's hard to look at him sometimes bc of how sad and stressed he looks. He doesn't tell me much anymore tho bc he knows i worry too much.
Also, tyler and I have been really up and down again. Things are just repeating and it's sooo annoying. I'm just gettin sick of dealing with the same problems over and over again. So things there are stressful, too.

Our family reunion was early this year. It was fun..I went on the boat a lot and toobed..it was better than last year. I was soo much nicer lol of course there was still drama. Tyler and I got into a huge fight one of the nights and then had a good talk about it the next day. I'm gonna make sure to keep him to his word.
Then I went to Topeka for a couple days just to visit friends and family. It was lots of fun!

Well...since tomorrow is the 4th of July...Happy Independence Day everyone!! Stay safe and have fun whereever you may go! I'll be headed to Chillicothe tomorrow again...yay for blowin stuff up!!

My 22nd birthday is almost here. This Fri I'll be having friends over for pizza, followed by a night out on the town.
We'll be out to the Power and Light district to go bar hoping. I'm really excited about it. I know not a lot of people won't
be going, but as long as some will be there, that's all that matters.

My birthday is a good time for me to be starting a new me. I've been trying really hard to change my mood this past
year but it's really hard. I've changed almost all my medications and I'm hoping that I'll be able to control how
angry and depressed I get. I hate my low of lows but its hard to stay away from it and it's really easy to put me there.
And despite how much I've improved over the year, it's not good enough and people still hate me. It's a good thing that
those still around haven't seen that side of me. I just want to be able to mellow out and me normal for once in my life.
It's also a good chance to be able to grow up. I graduate this December and I plan on moving out this summer. I'm not
too sure how well that's gonna work out but I'm trying my best to be on my own.

I really need a job. The one I have at school is not nearly enough. I only make about 20 bucks a week. I need a grown
up job fast. I really need to get out of this house and be away from the crap that makes my life miserable. If anyone can
help with that, it would be greatly appreciated :)